the way i am trying to be

On my way home from a dress fitting on Saturday, my fiance called.
Fiance: You know how sometimes I have crazy ideas?
Me: Yes...
Fiance: What would you say if I told you that I had a crazy idea?
Me: Um... that I want more information before committing to an answer.
Fiance: You know how your grandmother's not doing well?
Me: Yes...
Fiance: What if we moved the wedding up? Like, January 1st?

*insert hyperventilating, supersonic planning mindset, & a considerable amount of "wow my fiance is awesome" tears*

So I called the dress shop to see if they could have the alterations done by then, called our minister to make sure he was available, and called the bridal party. Done. We also moved the location to my grandmother's yard so we can put her in her wheelchair and move her out to the ceremony. We really want her to be able to enjoy our wedding and celebrate with us.

This was all my fiance's idea. My incredibly thoughtful, considerate, sweet, and flexible fiance. My God, I got lucky.

So this is how I am trying to be. "I'm being 'spontan-you-us!" (Happy Feet, for you strange people who aren't obsessed with all things penguin.) It's not taking off on a cross-country road trip, but hey! I just moved my wedding day up by 16 days!

I went up to my fiance's house (soon "our house") yesterday to help him put our new IKEA queen-sized bed together, and we decided to go out to dinner. Two miles down the road, we were spontaneous again! He suggested that we go "SEE ROCK CITY!" (Only about a 20 minute drive.) Of course, we got up on the mountain top and I immediately utilized my executive veto. It was way too cold and we were inappropriately dressed for that particular spur-of-the-moment decision, but we'll do it soon. When we can make sure the trunk of the car is stocked up with more cold weather gear than a beanie.

Spontaneous felt good, you guys! This is just one of the many, many reasons I am marrying this man. He makes me forget to stress out and plan, and helps me to simply enjoy life and all of its opportunities and adventures.

I got lucky. So the way I am trying to be is relaxed enough to appreciate that.

the way i eat

Claire and Danielle make me feel guilty about not posting. I don't think they mean to, but they're both so productive that I can't help but feel ashamed! The worst part is this: it's not just that I don't post. I almost never write anymore.
I feel like there's nothing in my life worth writing about, but I know that there is. I have a man who I do not deserve who loves me absolutely. I am thinking about going back to school to get my master's degree. These are two huge things in my life right now that are definitely worth writing about! And yet...
I'm afraid that if I post about this man who loves me so much that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that it will be gooey and cheesy and trivialized. I am afraid that I will trivialize this man, this love, if I try to write about it. He deserves better than that.
If I write about my half-formed intention to continue my education, then it becomes real and in writing--and therefore terrifying.
So instead, I'll post my chocolate pound cake recipe.

Aunt Cheri's Chocolate Pound Cake

2 c. sugar

1 c. (2 sticks) butter

2 eggs

2 squares of baking chocolate - unsweetened

2 1/2 c. all-purpose flour (not self-rising)

2 tsp. baking soda

1/2 tsp. salt

1 c. sour cream

1 tsp. vanilla

1 c. boiling water

Blend 2 c. sugar and 1 c. butter.

Add eggs, one at a time.

Add melted chocolate.

Sift together dry ingredients (flour, soda, salt) and add alternately with sour cream.

Add vanilla.

Add boiling water.

Bake at 325 degrees for 1 hour (add 15 minutes if you prefer your cake slightly less gooey) in a greased & lightly floured Bundt pan.

(Crisco works best, and yes, you have to smear it on with your fingers. Do not use Pam or anything like that because the cake sticks and looks ugly.)

the way i am

I am one of those people who plans. I like to have back-up plans and emergency responses already programmed and in place so I am never caught unaware. When I was younger, every time my parents left the house, I begged them to be careful and gave huge hugs and exuberant "I love you"s. I am probably the only child to have ever made sure that my parents had a will, and to inquire about who they designated as my guardian should anything happen to them.
A few weeks ago, I slipped and almost fell on a MARTA escalator. Nothing happened, but for the rest of the escalator ride (all 13 flights of stairs' worth), I planned what I would have done if something had. (I would probably have broken my wrist or arm rather than hit my head and risk a seizure. So I would have gotten up, walked back to my office, splinted it with magazines and rubber bands, told my boss that I needed to leave, and taken MARTA to an emergency room.)
Savvy, my lunatic dog, was chewing on a pig's hoof a while back. If she had broken a tooth, I would have boiled a tea bag for her to bite down on--as if she would ever cooperate with that plan--to stop the bleeding, and I would have taken her to the emergency vet clinic.
On a more serious and realistic note, my grandmother's health is rapidly declining. It is entirely possible that she will not live to see the new year. I started breaking down at work yesterday, and came very close to asking my fiance to drive two and a half hours just to hold me. Then the planning side of me kicked in: he only has one vacation day left this year. I don't want to ask him to use it to hold me when in all likelihood, I'll need to ask him to use it to come to the funeral. I bought vacation insurance for our honeymoon in case Nana makes it that long. The insurance would enable us to interrupt the honeymoon to come home for the funeral, but still go back and finish the trip.
I have plans in the back of my head for all kinds of things: if I get breast cancer, if my fiance dies, if the house catches on fire. I don't mean to be morbid, I just like knowing that there's a plan. I also plan my route through the grocery store so I take the most efficient path and so the frozen goods are last (wouldn't want them to spoil!).
Sometimes my planning drives my fiance crazy, but really, it makes our lives easier. Mine, because everything is in order, and his because he doesn't have to listen to me complain about chaos. I would love to be the spontaneous kind of person who takes off across the country without an itinerary. (I dream of doing it someday, though I probably never will.) I would love to turn my phone off sometimes without feeling guilty, but what if something happens and someone needs one of my plans, and I'm not available?!
This is why I have migraines and seizures and muscle cramps. I know that. But I don't know how to fix it, or if I want to, or if I should want to!
I read in a book (Why I Wore Lipstick to my Mastectomy by Geralyn Lucas), "I am a catastrophizer." I don't think I'm quite that bad.
I am just a planner.

honestly?

I mainly started my own blog so I could keep up with the people I love who blog here. I am not much of an author, and anything I happen to post will probably be pithy, so I probably won't post.

However, you should definitely check out Danielle's blog at tuesdaysborrower.blogspot.com if you want good writing, and Ethan's at onemanroadtrip.blogspot.com if you want gorgeous pictures from one man's road trip across the nation.